Argh!

Last night I went to a friend of a friend's 30th birthday party. To celebrate we were all asked to come in apparel ~ flashback ~ 1977. Hollywood hills, open bar, DJ, and disco ball... we danced, drank and had a great time. About 3 vodka tonics into my night... I decided I would probably smoke ~ and I felt OK with it. I had (somewhat) decided that the night was going to be a night of debauchery, one in which smoking would likely be a part of. One last 2007 "hoo-rah" ...
I found myself outside a number of times... watching my fellow smokers as they gathered around the fire pit or huddled near the heating lamps ~ sucking on their Parliments. I watched them with jealousy. Because, although I had decided that I would be joining them a few moments earlier, I just couldn't bring myself to do so.
And, do not be mistaken... I wanted to. I was taking it all in ~ the smell, the way they all looked, the social-connectedness between them. The fabulously thin, pretty, young Hollywood types ~ all playing the part of 1970's - Studio 54- disco queens, to a Tee.
I wanted to join in on their presumable ignorance... but, I couldn't. I just couldn't make the move. I could not, for some reason, bring myself to ask for one. WIERD!
And ~ THANK GAWD!
I woke up this am (head-achey, puffy, and dehydrated) and was soooooooooooooo thankful that I was not tasting the reminents of a Parliment light on my breath! WHEW!
Not sure what exactly kept me from caving in... especially since I had given myself permission to do so. But I am really happy that I didn't!

1970's Cigarette ad... sheeeez!

14 Weeks, Seriously?

Wow... time flies.
I cannot believe that it has been 14 weeks since I last smoked! My struggle still continues to come and go. I cant say that I CRAVE smoking, as I once did, however... I still think about it. In fact, on occasion (recently) I have thought about it more and more... thoughts like "just one wouldn't hurt", "who would know if I slipped... Im in Iceland for God's sake", etc.. etc..
Why after 14 weeks do I still find myself rationalizing smoking? There is NO good to come from having a smoke. NONE. Even if it would magically allow me to shed the 5 or so pounds that Ive gained... It's NO good.
So, Ive thought about smoking a little more lately. I even dreamed I smoked last night. In my dream, I had found out that my boyfriend was unfaithful... and my mom (of all people) gave me a cigarette to calm me. So bizarre.
Because of my recent thoughts, I think it's time to remind myself why I quit in the first place and what it has done for me ~

What Ive lost by quitting smoking:
1. That NASTY taste in my mouth
2. The stale smell of smoke in my hair and clothes
3. The wheeze in my lungs while running, biking, or having sex (a real turn on, Im sure)
4. Yellow fingernails
5. Sallow skin
6. A balcony cluttered with ashtrays, cigarette butts and empty Marlboro boxes
7. A car that REEKS of stale smoke
8. The anxious feeling that followed me everywhere that smoking was not allowed
9. Looking like a crackhead searching for their pipe while trying to find a place to light up in airports, restaurants, etc...

What Ive gained by quitting smoking
1. 5 or so pounds
2. Whiter teeth with fresher breath
3. Endurance while running, biking, and YES... in the sack ;)
4. A better singing voice (at least that's what I tell myself while belting out the Dixie Chicks alone in my car)
5. Healthier looking skin
6. The ability to make it through a dinner with friends without taking a smoke break between courses
7. A feeling of accomplishment and pride
8. Probably 15 years :)

9 weeks and counting~

I just got in from Shannon, Ireland. Spent a couple of days there... sleeping mostly. That's the hard part about this job. Somedays, you just HAVE to sleep. Apparently there isn't a whole lot to see there ~ excluding a few castles... and lots of green rolling hills. According to a local girl I met at the only restaurant in Shannon (outside of our hotel) I didn't miss much.
Our Hotel was pretty cool though. Really old-school Irish... And the air outside was absolute heaven to breathe. A welcome change from the contaminated air I breathe in Los Angeles.
The Oakwood Arms hotel...



Sooo... now I am in Teterboro, New Jersey. Slept sooo good last night in my king bed at my home sweet hotel ~ Hilton Hasbrouck Heights. We are technically on call today, but we have a trip tomorrow night. So, we will likey get the day to rest. Thank God. I feel like I am getting sick. I am in the middle of doing a cleanse (thought it would be good for me to expell the toxins accumulated through smoking, etc). And, I think it may be contributing to my not feeling so hot. Too bad. Sucks to feel like shit on the road.
Tomorrow we are off to London...well ~ we stay in Luton... our home away from home in England. And we are scheduled to be there for almost a week. Ughhh... England is expensive and Luton is incredibly boring. I spend a lot of money there because the only thing to do is hang out at the mall next to our hotel. Hmmm ~ well... maybe I'll get some Christmas shopping done.
I have adapted well to being a non-smoker. I dont even think about cigarettes anymore. Not really. Last night I had two drinks before turning in ... and was feeling quite buzzed with the jet lag and lack of sleep. Normally I would've been thinking, if not craving for a smoke. But... nothing. It feels sooooo good to be free!
Wow... I just remembered a dream I had last night ~ I smoked in it. Perhaps I do still think about it, if only on a subconscious level.
Buh - Bye... Im off to sip some Airborne.

8 Weeks

Hoooray...
I am very pleased that I am still smoke free... how ever... this weight gain thing is getting to me. Im sure Ive gained around 5 pounds... not much ~ but just enough to see/feel the difference in my clothes. I cant stand it.
I am VERY sensitive about this matter. It pisses me off because, I TOTALLY watch what I eat. I work out daily. I just started a 2 week cleanse, etc.. etc... etc...
I am trying to do all of the right things for my body and my body is not thanking me for it AT ALL. Not to mention, the cleanse has lead to a teenage flashback of adult-acne :( I feel disgusting.
So, I m pissed off.
I am currently ignoring the BF... who said to me "Baby... did you join the gym to get rid of the smoker-weight?" And then proceeded to not understand why that pissed me off. His reasoning "You're the one who said you gained weight..."
Sure I bitched about it a time or two over the last week or so... but, that does not give you the freedom to join in. It's the same principle as calling my mom a bitch.... I could do it ~ but you cant. She's MY moma. I can complain about her if I want. But, the minute you join in... I will defend her.
So.... like my moma taught me oh so long ago... if you have nothing nice to say... say nothing at all... seriously.

437 Cigarettes Not Smoked!

I read a pretty interesting article in one of my fitness magazines the other day. It was an attempt at encouraging women to stop smoking. My first thought was... why would THIS article be in THIS magazine? What woman is into her health so much so, that she purchases or subscribes to a fitness magazine, and yet smokes?

Hmmm ~ the embarrassed girl raising her hand in the back of the room is me.

I have always taken really good care of my body. I have been cautious of my eating. I have excersised regularly most of my life. I lift weights, spin, dabble in pilates and yoga. I am (until this recent job of mine) in the gym at least 4-5 days a week.
And being a half-a-pack-a-day smoker ~ I felt like such a hypocrite! I can recall circling the parking lot of my gym, so that I could finish my smoke. I also remember feeling really self conscious that others next to me could smell the smoke, nicotine and other disgusting toxins seeping from my skin along with my sweat. How thankful I am that I do not have to feel that shame any longer.

Sooo, onto the article...
*Did you know that women who light up lose an average of 15 years of life? So, if ones life expectancy is 75years ~ I would only make it to around 60? Yikes.
*Women run more than twice the risk of dying from lung cancer, compared with men.
*We all know that women who are pregnant and smoke put their unborn child at risk for low birth rate, pre-term birth, and sudden infant death syndrome. But, even more interesting ~ ladies... we need to be careful who we decide to procreate with... studies show that potential fathers may jeopardize the health of their future children every time they take a drag. A study in mice found that tobacco smoke could mutate genes in sperm cells, putting the offspring at risk for genetic disease.

So why do some, otherwise health-driven women, continue puffing away?
Two main reasons were given by FITNESS magazine... And, personally, I side with reason number one.

FIRST ~ Meal replacement. Nicotine is an appetite supressant. Scientifically, it has been proven that nicotine decreases ones craving/consumption of sweets/carbs. And women fear that if they quit smoking they will gain weight. Afterall, the tabacco industry has capatalized on this fact as far back as the 1920's using ad's to sell the message that smoking will keep you thin.


Lucky Strike Green: "AVOID THAT FUTURE SHADOW by refraining from overindulgence, if you would maintain the modern figure of fashion. We do not represent that smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes will bring modern figures or cause the reduction of flesh. We do declare that when tempted to do yourself too well, if you will "Reach for a Lucky" instead, you will thus avoid over-indulgence in things that cause excess weight and, by avoiding over-indulgence, maintain a modern, graceful form."
1933.


SECOND ~Girls and women are more likely to become addicted and remain dependant longer than men. WHY? Psychological factors, such as feeling a sense of comfort or relaxation may reinforce the smoking behavior in women. We are, afterall, emotional beings. But, I am not certain that this differs much from men. (I think they are just better at hiding it)


The good news is that WE CAN DO IT!!!! I am certain that I have gained a few pounds. And, I have noticed that my sweet tooth is a little harder to resist (although it's ALWAYS been there). But what's a few pounds when I get to enjoy...
*no coughing
*better breath
*yummy smelling hair
*cleaner lungs
*healthier heart
*higher oxygenation in my blood ='s better muscle building
*whiter teeth
*sparing my future children
*being a positive role model to my neices ad nephew
*becoming an inspiration to others who want to quit
*decreasing my risk of cancer, heart disease, stroke, etc, etc. etc....

Sooooo baby's got back.... and it's all good :)

6 weeks!!!!!

Wow... 6 weeks... thats pretty amazing to me ~ it sure doesn't feel like that long ago that I smoked that final cigarette on my balcony. I am doing quite well with my quit. Sure, I think about a cigarette now and then. But, It's nothing I cant look passed. I am a NON-SMOKER now ... and saying that feels way to incredible to cave into some passing thought about a ciggy.

I arrived in Luton at about 1pm today after traveling all night. I came straight to my room and crashed, HARD. I slept for a good seven hours. Then I did a great little in-room-workout, nogged on some fruit, and tried (in vain) to find something worthwhile to veg out on the telly with. Brittish TV sucks. I have flipped past McGyver, Deep Space Nine, Muder She Wrote, and of course, the BBC. UGH! I have settled on a documentary (it apears) where two elementary school girls are currently beating the crap out of each other on the playground ~ fantastic!

My passenger was a very sweet man ~ guess he only plays a jerk on tv. I was "Lisa Darling" (insert Brittish accent) and he was kind, appreciative, and polite.

I was SUPER jazzed to find out that Saturday I will be flying into Florence, Italy for the night. It will be a quick trip, as we fly out the following day at noon ~ but I GET TO HAVE DINNER IN FLORENCE ON SATURDAY NIGHT :) Awesome! Italy has always been my dream destination... so I am super stoked! WOO HOO!

Ciao!
xo

40 Days and Counting

I just got into Atlanta, Georgia. Im feeling blue. I haven't seen my family in a couple of months (I realize that's not long for most people) But, I am really close with my mom, dad, brother, cousins, and especially my neices and nephew. My babies are EVERYTHING to me and I miss them so much right now that it hurts. Sounds silly, I know. It's a culmination of my heart swelling love for them and being on the road...(alone), and not having seen them since August.
Ill be home for Thanksgiving... I am spending the week :) Gotta get my fill.
Here they are... they are my inspiration for SOOO much and most definitely for quitting smoking...

CHEYENNE AND HAILIE


JACOB Having fun with the iphoto :)

Anyway... tomorrow I head out to England. Taking a certain judge from American Idol back to his home ;)

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of flying "Ms.Jackson (if your nasty)" And she was VERY sweet... and BEAUTIFUL ~ the girls gotta be 40+ and looks younger than me.... I want her estheticians number....

But, thanks to qutting smoking ~ I will be saving my skin and preventing those nasty little wrinkles that have begun to rear their ugly little heads...

Ok.... Writing is so cathartic... I feel better already.
Going to bed now
Cheers

Please Read This...

I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks. This man was 2 years younger than me when he died of lung cancer after only having been diagnosed 9 weeks earlier. The images are frightening, I know.
I cry for him, his family, his children,
For myself, I shed tears of thankfulness that I have put an end to this habit. That perhaps I have sparred my own life.




http://whyquit.com/whyquit/BryanLeeCurtis.html

Welp... I am still here. I hate the hurry up and wait game. I packed up my things on Sunday night, because I went on call at Midnight. I have since been sitting and waiting. Well ~ I've left the house to excersise, do laundry, hit Target for last minute items... but, other than that, I have been laying low... waiting.
Dont get me wrong... I am appreciating an extra night or two in my own scrumptous bed, with it's clean-fabric-softened-sheets, and my snuggle buddy ... as opposed to crispy sheets and snuggling with a pillow. This isnt so bad. The anticipation just gets to me now and again. I like to know what to plan for ~ but, this is the wrong business for that nonsense :)

I have been thinking of ways to reward myself for quitting smoking. I know quitting in and of itself is a reward ... but, C'MON - I want a guilty pleasure reward... something that wont add to an expanding ass (ben and jerry's is out), or more wrinkles ( veg'n by the pool or in a tanning bed is out)
I want something that will help me to feel as beautiful on the outside as I am feeling on the inside... A new lipstick? A facial? A makeover?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This is going to take some pondering :)

1 Month SMOKE FREE!!!!

I haven't written much lately ~ that's because I have been enjoying my ten days off from flying :)
I hit the one month mark yesterday!!!! yeah!!!! I am sooooo thrilled to be a quitter! Yesterday, I went with some friends to an outdoor festival down at Venice Beach. It was a great day ~ I LOVE VENICE ... I could really see myself living there someday soon. There is such a hippie-layed-back-vibe that I totally dig.
I did notice quite a few smokers (it was an outside festival with beer ... of course smoking was involved). But, I didn't feel the least bit compelled or tempted in any way.
I have been free of Chantx now for over a week. I feel great! I can safely say that I will smoke NO MORE!
From here, it is a mental choice. My body no longer craves it ~ (Im sure a few cravings will pop up every now and then) But, for the most part I can say that I feel this is going to be the quit that lasts a lifetime... YipEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Well... I am officially "on-call" ~
Hopefully, my next entry will come to you from somewhere wonderful
xo

Day 26

Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE the Beatles.... Tonight I went to see ACROSS THE UNIVERSE ~ and it did not disappoint. In my opinion, it wasn't a BRILLIANT film ... but, the music was done really well... it had great acting (Evan Rachel Wood, Jim Sturgess(Im in love), and cool visual effects. ... It was a love story and it made me cry ~ it was a good night :)
Not to mention that today was my first day with NO CHANTIX. I have been tapering down over the last couple of weeks, and I have to admit that I've noticed I AM thinking about smoking a little more. It's nothing strong enough that I cant beat... but, the thought is more present than it has been while on Chantix. So... we'll see. From here on out ~ it's all me!!!!!
<3

3 Weeks!!!!

Wow... Today is actually my 23rd day with no smoking! I made it through an entire rotation of traveling all over the US and across the ocean a few times as well! I couldn't be happier to be back in LA though. The weather is PERFECT!
Because I didn't plan for such a long rotation this month, I didnt prepare by purchasing my next Rx of Chantix. I would have ran out last week... so instead of stopping suddenly, I decided to begin tapering off. I found myself forgetting to take the medication all together. But, now that I am home, I will slip into more of a routine ~ and I am down to 1/2 tab in the morning. I have had no cravings while tapering off. I have about 7 pills left (two weeks of 1/2 per day) But, I am not sure I will continue taking it regularly after this week. Maybe I'll save a few pills in case the cravings start.
I find myself forgetting that I was ever a smoker. The memory is fading. Once in a while it will creep in ~
but, all together, I feel CURED! :) haha

Day 17

By the end of today, I will have spared myself 170 cigarettes... unbelievable!
I am still on the road ~ my trip to Milan turned out to be a quick turn around :( We dropped the passengers and repositioned to Luton, England. Here is how my day/night/morning went...

8:30pm Prepare plane for 10pm departure
10:00pm Depart for Boston
11:00pm Arrive Boston
12:30pm Depart for Milan
Fly for 7 and 1/2 hours (Silly me, I thought the soccer team would be exhausted after their game against Mexico ... perhaps they'd sleep a little on the way over ~ not a chance. 7 1/2 hours serving dinner and drinks NON STOP in heels... honestly, I did not sit or rest for a single minute!) Complete f@#$ing torture... torture with a nice view... but, torture nonetheless.
2:00pm Arrive Milan
4:00pm Arrive England

Holy crap! Upon arrival in England, we got word that we would be flying out the following morning and that we should restock the plane to be ready for passengers by 11:00am. You've got to be kidding right? Is this humane treatment? Not sure...
So... after about a 16 hour duty day, my AWESOME pilots (who helped me beyond their call of duty) and I tracked our tired asses to a grocery store. Tired doesn't even begin to describe how we were feeling. I worked for 16 hours without eating or resting. I had moved beyond tired, beyond exhaustion, and into utter delirium.
Somehow we managed to find our way to a very tastey Thai Restaurant, where we ate, drank beer, and tried our best to conversate, but forming sentences was nearly impossible.
I got back to my room around 8:30pm and managed to stay awake for probably a half an hour. Then I slept, and slept, and slept. I slept without interruption until 2:00pm the following day! 17 hours?!?! WTF?!? Yeah... The human body can only endure so much before it collapses. And I collapsed. Thank God for small favors ~ our 11:00am trip moved to a 6:00pm departure!!!
So, a 7 hour flight back to Jersey from England landed us here around 9:00pm.
The good news? I fly out for Luton AGAIN this evening at 7:00pm. Woo-Hoo
I feel like a human ping-pong and I am oh- soooo -ready to be back in LA. 5 more days of this and then 10 off!
Whew! Believe me... after this day at work... a cigarette definitely crossed my mind. But, I made it through :)
xo

2 Weeks Smoke Free!!!!

I think I deserve a gold star! 2 weeks smoke free.... yeah!!! Feels GREAT!
Just wanted to briefly write... not much time and I wont have anytime tonight. I am flying out of Boston for Milan... taking 13 Brazilian Soccer players ~ Here's one of them



Life could be worse ;)


Ciao!

Day 13

I am pretty much too sleepy to write. This rotation has been a ping-pong of flying all over the states. I've done five round trips in five days... today I am resting in Jersey ~ thank God. I really wanted to go into NYC. But, for a few reasons I decided not to. First, It's been POURING rain all day (dont like walking in the rain, particularly). Second, it's the anniversary of 9/11 (more people than usual crowding the city). And last, I am BEAT. just got back to the room after running some errands for the aircraft that I have been on all week, and I can hardly keep my eyes open.
So, before I hit the sheets, just wanted to write a quick celebratory blog on making it through yet another evening out for drinks with the boys... and keeping nicotine free. I think I have finally gotten it through my brain that I am no longer a smoker. I have accepted that I am done...so, it's getting easier to resist the barely there temptation upon seeing them light up!
Yeah for me!
Time for a lil siesta!

Day 10

I survived an evening out on the town with two pretty cool pilots that I fly with now and again. Had a tastey dinner (capellini with homemade meatballs) at this really tiny, family owned restaurant here in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey called A Fresh Affair. The food was amazing. The price...unbeatable. The Chef came out after and BS'ed with us... it was all around a great night. Mix in a few glasses of wine and next to zero sleep last night... and I am MORE than ready for beddy bye.
Upon returning to my home sweet hotel... another pilot whom I will fly with tomorrow, arrived. After a couple more drinks the boys all decided to go out for a smoke. I didnt want to sit in the bar alone with my wine ... so I joined them outside. These are the guys that I normally drink and smoke with while on the road, and I haven't seen them since quitting... so, it was a little strange to sit among them and not smoke. I have to say... I inhaled the second hand smoke and at one point, secretly wished I could take it in via osmosis, or something. But, I got through it. We sat outside for a while. They had a couple of smokes. I refrained. Believe me... I could've easily lit up. I really thought about it. Smoking has such comraderie appeal. But, I dont want to go back to that terrible habit... and 10 day is F'N gooooooooood!!!! I am really proud of myself. And Im not going to undo that.
Nt Nt... tomorow I will be coming at you from That City By The Bay.... My favorite :)

Day 9

Well... Here I am ~ yet, again in Jersey. I did leave Jersey today ... went to Atlanta, Georgia and back. Tomorrow...Bedford, MA and back. This is the first time I have ever flown so many domestic flights. Usually I am all over the globe. It's kinda nice, in a way... but, not as exciting. At least the flights are short... 14 hour flights to Japan are real killers ;)
Anyhow, today was a pretty good day ~ started out a little shakey (turned off alarm and only woke to pilot knocking on my door) That's never happened before. Chantix makes me soooo sleepy! No harm done though ~ we were only supposed to meet for breakfast, nevertheless, it was a shitty way to start the day.
The flight was easy. Clients were nice. All was good until I got back into Jersy. Then, the calls started coming in about my next two flights for the weekend and the demanding catering orders...yadda, yadda, yadda. What Im getting at is ~ I wanted a smoke really f*&#ing bad. By far the strongest craving I've had thus far.
Well ~ I got through it... and awarded myself with a glass of wine. Usually this would go hand in hand with a marlboro light ~ but, this is the new Lisa. I can relax without inhaling toxins into my lungs, dammit!

Day 8

Approaching the end of day 8. Today, I woke up somewhat later than usual...felt good! Anyway, missed breakfast here at the hotel... and I didn't want to risk becoming nauseated ~ so, instead of popping my Chantix on an empty stomach, I headed for the gym... By the time I finished my workout, showered up, and got to where I knew healthy food would be here in Jersey... it was after 3pm and I didn't want to take my morning dose that late since the evening dose would be approaching...so, I decided ~ inadvertently ~ to just do without the am dose. ( If that's not a run-on sentence...)
Needless to say, I felt fine all day. No urges stronger than any other day... no urges at all, really. Thoughts, but not urges. So... that's pretty much it.
I fly out tomorow morning to Atlanta, dropping off a client, and then heading right back to my home sweet hotel in Jersey. So far, this rotation is pretty uneventful, in comparison...but, Im not complaining!
Buh-bye

Day 7.. Yippee ~ 1 Week Smoke Free!!

I haven't gotten called out for a flight, which has afforded me some quality time in good 'ol Teterboro, New Jersey. It's actually a welcomed relief. I have a REALLY comfy bed, powerful air conditioning, a decent work-out room, a swimming pool, and premium channels in my room. The Hilton, Hasbrouk Heights isn't such a terrible home away from home. We are actually here ALOT... we even have a storage room at the little airport we fly into. Since I didn't fly today, I was asked (let me re-phrase...my supervisor doesn't ask...she tells)/ told to restock the room. So after 5 hours of inventory and shopping and restocking, I am ready for bed and a movie...Let's just hope I dont get called out in the middle of the night!
But I had to write, because today is a WEEK! I am sooo happy that I've come this far. It feels great!
~ Sweet Dreams ~

Day 6

Well... I made it through day 5 ~ and what a test that turned out to be.
I was set to fly out of Los Angeles on Sunday night at 11:30pm. I arrived at the aircraft at around 11pm and was prepared and ready to go before our departure time. Well... 11:30 came and went with no sign of the client. 12:30, 1;30, ETC... The client did not arrive until 5:00am. At which point, I was completely beside myself with exhaustion. Not to mention, during this waiting around time... The ex-boyfriend begins text messaging me. This is the guy ~ who two and a half years ago, completely broke my heart ... leaving me to start up the nasty habit of smoking again, in addition to quitting my job and moving 300 miles away from him and our house. TWO AND A HALF YEARS! Seriously? He tells me he wants to see me... he may show up on my doorstep, he has changed... etc, etc, etc. WTF?!
Suprisingly, all of that... the random act of stupidity by my overly-inflated-ego-maniac of an ex-boyfriend...didn't make me want to smoke. I felt pretty good actually. Confident in knowing that I have truly moved on. I have created a pretty good life for myself and I would never consider changing any of that. Not that he's asking ~ but, why would he want to see me after all this time?! And more importantly, what is he THINKING? That I've been sitting in wait, pining for him these last two years? It felt so damn good to know that I've moved on. That he doesn't affect me anymore... AT ALL...not even enough to want a smoke! :) That's huge!
Sooo... cut to Las Vegas. We arrived at our hotel room at about 6:30am and I tried and tried and tried to get some sleep. I was beyond tired. But, my phone was ringing off the hook and when that finally stopped...the hotel's fire alarm went off for about ten minutes. I ended up getting up and going down for toast and coffee, then I headed for the pool.
I spent about 4 hours by the pool, drinking pina colada's while literally surrounded by smokers. The thought crossed my mind that if I really wanted to, I could smoke. Who would know? I was alone, at Hooters Hotel/Casino (for chrissakes), drinking pina coladas poolside. NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW! I looked at the guys pack who was lounging next to me and I seriously thought about it...but, I decided that I didn't REALLY want one. I surveyed the pool area and noticed how tacky all of the smoking girls looked (and not delightfully tacky ;) and I just decided that I didn't need it! Enough damage was being done to my skin simply by being poolside in 104 degree heat!
Anyway... I flew out of vegas on a redeye flight last night and I am now in Jersey... waiting for the jet to come in from Italy. Not sure what tomorrow brings ~ but, today brought SMOKE FREE DAY NUMBER 6!!! Woo-Hoo!
xo

Day 4

Sunday... Smoke-free day 4!!!! Yeah! Nothing too uneventful today. No real cravings ~ until I got the call from dispatch that I have to fly out tonight at 11:30pm. Bummer :( Usually I get a couple of days on call before I have to go... not so this time around.
Also, everytime I gear up for a flight... I smoke ALOT. There is a certain amount of anxiety and anticipation before a flight and I tend to deal with it by inhaling as many smokey treats as possible. So, that's changed... will not be turning to that small comfort. I have to remember that it is not really a comfort at all and in turning to it I would only be doing myself a disservice. I just have to remind myself to breathe through the craving. Nothing is worth turning back on the four days Ive been free of nicotine!
Ok... with that being said.... WTF is going on with the weather in LA? It is 9:30pm and I am sitting in my apartment with sweat literally dripping from me. I have beads of it in places I wont discuss. It's absolute torture. I am so cranky. (Makes me wanna smoke for solace). Not really... I DONT WANT TO SMOKE DAMMIT!
Well... I must get ready for my flight. Tonight im flying into Vegas ~ easy 45minute flight ~ then possibly stay the night or fly onto Venice, Italy....
Ciao!

Day 3

Today I made it through my third day whout smoking... but, even more than that ~ I actually got thru a girls night out last night without lighting up! I had 3 glasses of wine (pretty buzzed) and my friends smoked... and I stayed clear! YEAH! I think that was the biggest test of all. And I did it!

I actually came really close to backing out of going, because I thought it may be too soon and I would cave into the urges that I was so certain would over take me. I even found myself rationalizing that if I DID wind up slipping...it would be ok, because it's not as though I would go back to smoking ... addiction is a crazy thing.

But I recieved some good advice and I decided to go out ~ face my demons, remind myself that I was CHOOSING not to smoke, and that smoking is not something that is being taken away from me...it's something that I am glad to see gone and I dont want anymore.
Thanks baby...

Sooo... it's Saturday night and I am exhausted ~ it's WAY past my CHANTIX bedtime. I really think I may only do the meds for four weeks. I dont know. I guess I will decide when it is time to refill my Rx. I just dont like being on the meds. I am tired (could be my body adjusting to no nicotine too, though) and I am REALLY bloated ... my tummy is constantly full. I dont like that. Plus, I go back on call tomorrow night at midnight. The crazy schedule that my job forces me to keep is going to be rough when I feel this sleepy.
nt nt
Lis

Anxiety

Ok... just came in from a nice hike up the canyon. It's f'n hot out there...
Physically, I feel ok. No nausea or feeling drugged. Actually just as I'm typing this I do feel a little lethargic. But mostly I am feeling anxiety. I know where it's coming from ~ and there's not much I can do about it. In the past I would be out on my balcony every hour for a smoke...writing in my journal, etc... But I cant let that happen this time. I cant let anxiety do me in. I just need to take a deep breath and focus my thoughts on something other than the source of my anxiety. It's just not worth it.
More Later

No-Smoking DAY 2

Today is day 2 without smoking. It's 9:30am... had some toast, took my Chantix, headed out for a hike up Runyon Canyon.
Yesterday was great...let's hope today does not provide any obstacles or overwhelming cravings!
TGIF :)

The Official Quit Day

Today is Thursday, August 30th ... my first complete day with no cigarettes!!!!! It's 9pm and Im doing just fine. Pretty uneventful actually. I have had a couple of moments today when I thought about smoking... but, I think it's just because I've been home for a few hours by myself and, in the not so distant past, this is the time when I did most of my smoking. It is not unusual for me to make it through the day without a cigarette ~ but, I would make up for it between the hours of 6pm and whenever I ended up falling asleep. It feels really wierd to not be DYING for a smoke. I know I keep saying that... but honestly, I am pretty amazed at how little I think about smoking ~ Really!
The biggest craving comes after a meal and even then it passes in a mater of minutes (maybe even seconds). Also, I have been working on not eating until I am FULL in an attempt to bypass that urge to relieve the fullness wih a smoke. It seems to help. For dinner I made a spinach salad with apples, raisens, and sliced almonds... I was content after eating it... but not STUFFED. I also went to the grocery store today and stocked up on fruit (dried and fresh), raw almonds, herbal tea, hummus, etc... healthy snacks to sustain me between the small meals.
It's pretty amazing how changing one aspect of your life for the better starts to affect the other aspects of your life. Deciding to quit smoking has lead me to focus on eating healthier, working out harder, and I haven't had an adult beverage in over a week. It's seems like the healthy lifestyle I am attempting to gain in not smoking, has bled through to other areas of my health. Yeah! Another thing to be excited about :)
This weekend will be interesting... Girls Night Out is in the making ~ Hollywood bar scene, cocktails, and patios reserved for smokers ... not to mention all of my girlfriends smoke... Argh!
I can do this though ~ I know it!

Chantix Day 8

Today is the last day that I am free to smoke. However, I ran out of cigarettes 4-5 days ago and have yet to buy a pack. Wont do it. I am having a craving right now. Just ate a BIG bowl of cereal, and that full feeling in my stomach usually makes me run for a smoke. So instead of heading over to the neighbors and bumming one, I am choosing to blog my way through it. And it's not that bad. Not like trying to quit cold turkey... I am not DYING for a smoke. In fact, I am pretty easily distracted. Dr. Phil is on in the background (not even a fan) and I keep pausing in my writing to watch him council a "wild-mom". Looks like she has the Brittney Spears syndrome.
Anyway... the urge to smoke is leaving me now. It's been about 3 minutes since it started. The full feeling in my gut is not as intense as it was a few minutes ago. Wow... I guess digestion is possible without nicotine.
More later!


11:07pm

Well... I just smoked my very last cigarette in this journey to becoming a non-smoker. The only smoke I've had today. I did have a bit of a craving for it...but, I think it's simply because I told myself that I would have one at the end of the night with Nat (my cousin who is staying the week with me).
As we were sitting out on my balcony talking and smoking, I just kept thinking..."wow, this is my last cigarette" It didn't taste good and I didn't REALLY want it to begin with ~ I mean, I had thought about it on and off throughout the day, but was never jones'n for it. There was no joy to the experience...just wanted to get it over with already...
I do remember a moment on the balcony tonight, of feeling like my smoking experience had come full circle. Afterall, It was Nat who provided me with one of my earliest cigarettes. I was a sophmore in highschool and had experimented with smoking a Camel on a few occasions. When I told Nat this she took me out into her parents backyard and said... "smoking is disgusting, but if your going to do it, at least smoke a lady-like cigarette" and she handed me a Capri.

Good night... and wish me luck on my big day.... although, I know I can do this. I have already proven it to myself these last few days. The withdrawls are simply not there enough to use that as an excuse to give in. It's ALL in my mind. And I can get over just about anything... Im a pretty tough cookie!

<3

Chantix Day 7

Ahhh... I am somewhat beginning to feel like a non-smoker. I know that sounds strange, but ~ my thought processes seem to be more like those of a non-smoker already. I don't really think about smoking...unless it's thinking about how strange it is to not be thinking about it!!!
I mean sure, today I took the train back into LA. It was the first time in over two years that I have gotten in my car and not lit up. That thought crossed my mind. I even stopped at a liquor store for a diet pepsi and the thought of purchasing a pack of smokes didn't even cross my mind. It's really an amazing feeling. I know I am no where near being out of the woods. I am only finishing my first week on CHANTIX, and havent even reached my quit day as of yet. I just hope that it remains to go as smoothly as it is going now. I have read of some not-so-lucky experiences with the drug (depression, skin issues, nausea, vomiting) and this makes me apprehensive as I am about to double my dose tomorrow, with my quit day the following day. I dont want to psych myself out and begin experiencing the side effects that a small number complain of.
I want things to continue to go smoothly. I never imagined it would be this painless. I had one cigarrette today. My cousin is staying over and she smokes... so, I decided to take advantage of my "free opportunity" to indulge. I am looking forward to my quit day. I dont want any more excuses to poison my body.
Over all... today was a great day. I am happy to be back in LA. Happy to have spent the evening doing laundry (april-fresh-non-smoker-clothes await me:). And happy that being home didn't trigger my urge to smoke.
Thank you Chantix!
<3

Back in LA

I was up north for like four days... had no access to my wireless ~ and needless to say, when I actually had a moment to blog, either my step dad was on his PC or I was busy with my nieces and nephews. However, when I had a quiet moment or two ~ I wrote. So, what follows are the ramblings I jotted on my word processor.

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CHANTIX Day 3 (Friday)
I’m in Modesto now, visiting family. Yesterday, smoked 5 ciggs (lesss than the previous day) Then again, I was on a train for 6 hours… preventing me from lighting up. I didn’t think about smoking though ~ but, of course I wanted one when I reached my destination…you know, a little reward. Yuck.

I have noticed that the cigarettes don’t taste very good… I am aware of the chemical taste more than before. I don’t know if it’s psycho-symatic or if the meds have already begun doing their job. When I do light up I don’t smoke the entire cigarette, just a few puffs because it doesn’t taste good. I’ve also noticed that I am dreaming more… or at least remembering the dreams I am having more than I normally do.
The dreams haven’t been as traumatic as they were when I quit last time using the patch. Those dreams were RIDICULOUS. They were not only frightening, but I remember not being able to decipher if I was asleep or awake when I dreamt on the patch. Thank God these haven’t been that bad. I am hoping they do not go in that direction once I increase my dosage.

Today will be interesting. My family is all working or in school, so I’ll be on my own. Thinking of laying by the pool and taking a day to relax. Hopefully the smoking urges will not take me over out of boredom.


Later… Day 3

Well… today was actually a great day. After taking my little magic pill, I went for a run over to my aunt’s pool. I lounged by the pool for about an hour. When my aunt got home (fellow smoker) I had a cigg with her. I didn’t finish the entire thing because it just didn’t taste good. Tonight I went to dinner with an old friend ~ who used to smoke and, that was sorta our thing when we’d go out … cocktails, cigarettes, and girl talk. Mix in the fact that this town is WAY too small (I ran into a crazy ex ~ yeah) … Soooo, Tonight I totally blew it. Didn’t count how many I smoked, but it was probably 8 or 9. Ewww



CHANITX Day 4 (Saturday)
Woke up this morning feeling good (despite the nasty smell emitting from my smoke ridden hair). I had a hair appointment this morning. My usual morning cigarette did not even cross my mind. Well… I take that back, I am sure it crossed my mind ~ but, I was driving grandma’s car, so I knew I couldn’t smoke while driving to my appointment anyway. I had one cigarette sitting on the console of the car ALL day ~ and, even though I looked at it and thought about lighting it up… I wasn’t dying to smoke, so I didn’t.

Later tonight, my brother and his wife came over for dinner (both smokers). After eating I ALWAYS want a smoke… probably more than any other time. So I smoked with them out on the porch. But, again, it just wasn’t very gratifying. I think this is going to work and I am sooooo inspired and excited about it! Total smoked today… 2




CHANTIX Day 5 (Sunday)
I smoked the last cigarette in my pack last night with my brother and sister-in-law. I do not plan to buy another pack. I only have two days until my quit day and so far the cravings haven’t been that bad. I spent the day with my seven year old niece. We went on a long drive to visit a friend of mine and had a lot of time to talk. So, I talked with her about smoking. Her mom and dad both smoke and she has seen me smoke the last two years (her birth inspired me to quit the first time… never wanted her to see me smoke). Anyway, we had a serious discussion about how terrible smoking is and I hope and pray she never picks up the habit. I know statistically, when one’s parents smoke, they’re more likely to pick up the habit. Both my parents smoked when I was a kid and I HATED it. Cried to my mom wanting her to quit ~ and she did, when I was 5. But, even though I hated it as a kid… I still ended up smoking. I really hope that I can influence my niece to NEVER light up.

Went the entire day without having a smoke and really no severe cravings either, Yippee! Tonight I went over to visit with my dad and I ended up smoking two cigarettes with him. I knew that I would probably smoke with my dad. I’m not even certain that I was dying for one. I think I use smoking with my pops as a sort of bonding mechanism. Coffee, cigarettes, and daddy. I talked to him about Chantix though. He didn’t show much interest and I wasn’t going to preach to him about it.
Today ~ 2 cigarettes smoked.


CHANTIX Day 6 (Monday)
Tomorrow will be the last day that I smoke EVER. That is, if I bum one from a neighbor or something, once I get back to LA. Because, I have not bought a pack the last few days and I wont buy another. I got up this morning and had my morning coffee and I am just really amazed that I haven’t been craving a smoke with my coffee. I LOVED that … breakfast of champions, eh?
I went for a run after my morning coffee. Was out for about 45minutes. It felt really good. I am SOOOOOO not a runner. But, I am looking forward to becoming better and better at it the cleaner my lungs become.
I indulged in an hour long facial this afternoon, which was awesome. I actually fell asleep. I do think the meds make me a little sleepy. I am NOT a napper, even living my life pretty much with constant jet-lag, I just don’t nap. But, the last few days, I could nap at the drop of a hat. I have also noticed that I am a little irritable. Not terribly, but I’ve spent the last few days with my two nieces and nephew (two of them pre-schoolers) and I have noticed myself not having as much patience as I normally do. It’s not a “side-effect” per se. But, expected when quitting smoking, I suppose.
Tonight I went to dinner with my dad. Again, I smoked 1 before dinner and 1 after. Already I feel guilty and I haven’t even hit my quit day. I will try not to be so hard on myself. I am actually doing pretty good, I think! If I want a smoke tomorrow… it’s my last chance ~ so, I wont beat myself up.

Day 2 on Chantix... Still Smoking

Today I am taking the train to visit my family for a few days. I am hoping that being around non-smokers and my neices and nephew will help me to think about smoking less. I know I am "free" to smoke during this first week on the meds... but, I really want to start the process of thinking like a non-smoker. I am currently off rotation and no work for ten days leaves me with idle time... something that often leads to MANY more smoke breaks on the balcony, out of pure boredom.
I slept like a rock last night... not sure if that had anything to do with the meds or if all the sleepless nights on rotation are just catching up to me. I have read a lot about all of the side effects some people experience on this med. And I am hoping I will be spared the more traumatic ones... people complain of insomnia (in my line of work this would not be a pleasant one), sadness, crazy dreams, nausea... Sometimes I think I am one of those people who after reading a symptom, automatically starts experiencing it (you know, when hearing of a break out of head lice back in school.. your head suddenly begins to itch..) So, although I want to be an informed patient... I plan to keep my research low brow for a while... Take the med and see what happens.
Yesterday, I smoked about 7 or so ciggs... (idle time) Today, I am hoping for less. I just had my morning smoke and coffee. Now time for breakfast and Chantix pill number 2. We'll see what the rest of the day brings.
More later
<3

In the beginning

Today begins my decision to quit smoking (again)... I am hopeful that this will be a more successful attempt than last time. I actually quit about 5 years ago using the nicotine patch. I did pretty good on it... until I started smoking only at work (cocktailing). But, all in all ~ I didn't feel that I returned FULLY to the habit. Then I met a guy... one who DETESTED smokers. He told me that if when he met me (and I smoked) he would have never asked me out ~ major deal breaker. Well... I really dug him, so I decided to quit entirely. It wasn't that difficult, especially after we moved in together. I admit ONCE in a blue moon I would sneak one if out with a girlfriend over cocktails. But, more or less, I didn't consider myself a "smoker" for about two years. (Totally lied to myself, right?)
So cut to the time when things began falling apart between the guy and I (me?... I should know this) Anyway... like an auto-relfex, I went right back to smoking. And not just one or two when feeling stressed. I was a basket case and jumped right into a pack a day... maybe more. Ugh!
When I moved to Los Angeles, I told myself I had 6 months to get this return -to -smoking out of my system. Well, that turned into a year... then two. And here I am a little over two years later and still smoking! I dont smoke as much as I used to ... but, then again, some days more than others.
About 6 months ago, I spoke with my doctor about my options in quitting smoking aides... she suggested CHANTIX. She wrote the Rx in Feb and it has taken me this long to decide to go for it. I had the Rx filled yesterday and began the starter pack today. The idea behind CHANTIX is it dulls the nicotine pleasure receptors in your brain... so, even if you have a cigarette, supposedly it begins to taste like shit and eventually you decide to just not indulge at all. AWESOME!
The first week on this medication is a period where you can still smoke ~ you begin taking the med, set a "quit" day, and you can smoke up until that quit day, which should be 8 days after starting the med. SOOOO... today is my day 1 of taking CHANTIX. I have smoked about 6 cigarettes today ... more than typically ~ but, I had dinner and bloody mary's with a friend (alchohol ='s trigger). My quit day is set for Thursday August 30...
I am looking forward to being a non-smoker. I want it for my lungs, my heart, my wrinkles, my nieces and nephew, my future babies...etc, etc.... there are hundreds of reasons to quit and zero reasons not to... so, here goes!
Wish me luck